Friday, November 10, 2006


I was reading through the blogs I like to visit and found the following comment from traininup3:.

"My soul is searching for something, but I doubt "it" will ever be found. I mean, I've felt like this for so many years that I've forgot what it feels like to be whole. And how exactly does one find something when one isn't even sure what that something is?"

This really hit me. This is exactly how I have felt over the past few years. We left CA because we were searching for something. We tried living a more self-sufficient lifestyle because we were searching for something. We found things we loved while searching but nothing that ever seemed to fill that void. I thought this was just something Paul and I felt!

But here's the problem, what if you find that something? Do you then dare let yourself have it knowing there is always the possibility of losing it?

I have no idea if we have found "it" but we have found something that makes us feel whole. In moving back here to, once again, follow a job, we rediscovered the feeling of being "near" the people we love. I'm not talking about our biological family but about our church family and especially a few dear friends. They may be 3 hours away but we are closer than we were living out of state and have the opportunity to be involved on a regular basis.

But do you really allow these relationships to fill that void? Every time I think of how much I've allowed these people to touch my life I freeze wondering if this is such a good idea. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and it's probably more than anyone wants to know about me but... I think I've found the thing that makes me feel whole but it's something that makes me feel vulnerable at the same time. So now instead of searching for it, I struggle with it.


Susan said...

Kim, I know just what you mean. I remember when Pastor Wiest died, and Pastor Bender would tell me, "I know it hurts, but aren't you glad to have known him? You wouldn't be having this pain if you'd never had the joy and the love of being his friend." And I kept wondering if maybe, possibly, might it have been better not to have something to miss. And I'm still not sure what I think about that. Part of me knows that shutting oneself off to relationships and the love of your friends is NOT a good way to try to protect yourself from loss. But I know what you mean about fearing the loss, and seeing the temptation in insulating oneself from the possibility. My brain realizes that's just not emotionally healthy. But still...

Marie N. said...

We are made to be in relationships, God created us that way.

I'm happy to read you are closer to dear friends.

Kim said...

Thanks Marie.
I guess I need to remember that. This has been a great 6 months. The struggles we have had to face have been so much easier with friends to face them with, to be there when we needed to talk or just be around someone who cared.

I too know it's not healthy but the part of me that has been hurt in the past just wants to run screaming from any more close involvements. We didn't have to worry about this before, everyone was just too far away. Now that we are spending huge amounts of time with two friends in particular it's a difficult thing. If you ever figure out a way to let people in without risking getting hurt, please let me know. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm going to continue to struggle with this.